I call this an anti-profile:
If you are partnered/married, please don’t contact me because I need to marry you right after your first message. If you become single again, please still don’t contact me because the only reason you are so attractive is that you are unavailable, you silly! If you make yourself so available, what’s the drama for me to pine over you? (Jokes aside, everyone is welcome to contact me, including grandmas who make fake profiles of young muscle boys. Hello, granny, I told you to stop it!)
If I woof you, consider it a marriage proposal. I advise you to get a restraining order against me immediately! Otherwise, get ready to see my face at your window.
